International Edition -- Explaining America

THE ABSURD TIMES

The Absurd Times has readers in Israel, Canada, the Netherlands, India, Australia, France, Indonesia, New Zealand, Portugal, Sweden, Slovakia, Turkey, the UK, Jordan, Italy, Switzerland, Finland, Belgium, Columbia, and South Africa. Other extensions, unidentified, are gov, coop, arpa, int, edu, and a large number of visits from "Unknown." I even have the flag images to illustrate it.

Since most of these readers have acquired English as a second or third language, their command of the syntax, grammar, and vocabulary is much stronger than that of the average American. As a result, a good deal of what occurs in this country seems very strange and, at best, puzzling. Other aspects of our behavior and especially the behavior of our leaders appear to them as quite preposterous. For this reason, I am undertaking to explain our country and its politics to people who are not fluent in American culture and colloquialisms. For the sake of convenience, I use the term "American" here to refer to citizens of the United States and do not include Canadians, Native Americans, or those who live in the southern Americas.

One of the most common questions has to do with why the American electorate, since 1976 at least, has insisted on electing either cowboys or people with non-standard, extremely southern sounding, accents or, preferably, both.

To understand this, it is important to look at the cinema (what Americans call "movies" or "the theater") since World War II when the United States became acknowledged as a world power and leader. Many Americans grew up watching westerns where there is a sharply drawn distinction between good and evil. Moreover, lest there be any confusion, the actors representing the "Good" wore white cowboy hats and those wearing black hats represented the forces of evil. Since the United States represents the Good, naturally, a cowboy would be an excellent President. Ronald Reagan had a long career starring the "Death Valley Days," a western television series and, hence, was an ideal candidate for President. Many of his historical allusions, in fact, were to events that never really happened but which were scenes from movies. George Bush, the latter, even walked bowlegged. The southern accent was attractive because it was associated here with "conservative" values. There can be no doubt that the southern states, for the most part, are racist and reactionary and, in fact, once even tried to establish their own country here in order to preserve slavery. Sarah Palin was taken seriously because she often flew in helicopters shooting wildlife, much as did legends of the "old west" such as one Wild Bill Hickock.

Additionally, since the majority of Americans no longer wear hats, they need some way to spot Evil. They were obliged with the image of someone with slightly darker skin wearing a beard.

However, so long as we are referring to movies, the best western to review in order to ascertain the American character is "High Noon" with the title song sung by another cowboy, Tex Ritter, and starring Gary Cooper. It clearly indicates the basic cowardice and instinct for self-interest as more important than any such issues as good and evil. This explains the difference between the speeches of recent American Presidents and their actions. Wars against countries such as Granada are much preferable to those against comparable forces. You will notice that even today the United States is issuing grim warnings about the weaponry of North Korea (which is about as advanced as a Nash Rambler) and we take what comfort we can in our own tens of thousands of nuclear weapons. (Better safe than sorry.)

A key source of confusion to those who speak formal English is the "table". I must admit that I have never seen this table, and that only a select few have ever seen it. It's existence must be taken on faith, and that is one reason for Americans proclaiming their religious ardor. So, when the Democrats finally gained a majority in 2006, the Speaker of the House of Representatives announced that "Impeachment is not on the table." I doubt whether prosecution of the previous administrations for its war crimes is on the table either. This table serves a wide variety of purposes. For example, if some action threatens to benefit anyone other than the top 5% of the population, it is "tabled". Then, someone comes along and brushes it off the table and it is never seen again.

A bit of history as to the origins of so-called "natural-born" citizens may help in understanding the thinking of Americans. Many of our first settlers, ignoring the Vikings, were religious fanatics and zealots and British Royalty was quite glad to be rid of them. Another large portion of early settlers were criminals and, again, quite glad to be rid of them. These two groups eventually interbred to produce self-righteous thieves, murderers, and rapists. All three groups comprised the original populations, then.

Later on, a group of other immigrants came, most of them in slave-ships, and their descendants are now called African Americans. More recently, the French gave us the Statue of Liberty with, in part, the following inscription:

"Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!" cries she
With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

As a Brit once stated, "Well, people DID!" I believe they were comprised to a great deal of the "wretched refuse".

However, all of the factors mentioned above do not fully explain Americans. They actually possess a great deal of common sense and some are quite intelligent. For example, about 80% of them do want what should be properly called "Socialized Medicine," but consistently vote against anyone who even uses the phrase except in derision. There are constant complaints about the salaries of unionized workers as compared to those in other countries in the so-called "developed world," but the disparity is largely a result of Socialized Medicine in those countries. Still, moneyed interests lobby against such competitive assets. The United States leads in executions of the death penalty, although it is quite obvious that is not a deterrent. One need only look to Renaissance England where being a pickpocket ("cutpurse") was a capital offense. Where were most of the cutpurses apprehended? At the public executions of other cutpurses. Nothing more than vengeance can explain the popularity of the death penalty, at least that is the only positive explanation of it. The fact that it conflicts with the "Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord," is irrelevant. They have religious leaders who talk to God who told them it was ok in this case. Attempts to collaborate these conversations have heretofore proven unsuccessful.

No, the real explanation is to be found in ignorance. Where Americans are knowledgeable, in sports, for example, they show great memories, intelligence, and analytic skills. However, in subjects such as history, social science, and languages, they are retarded, even with public education. It has been generously estimated that an American High School Graduate, on average, is about two academic years behind European counterparts. This is largely a result of the PTA which insists that certain facts be suppressed, such as those relation to contraception, slavery, imperialism, and so forth. Those who do find the educational system lacking and rebel as carefully weeded out of the system so that only the obedient and addle-minded are allowed to proceed.

How then, does one explain the knowledge and high intelligence of some of the graduates? The answer is obvious: those with high intelligence and perception who do manage to continue in education are passive-aggressive rather than anti-social or direct. The rest are failed, held back, and eventually drop out. Only the mediocre, the naive, or passive-aggressive manage to obtain an education.

There is one fact that merits further explaination -- how and why did they elect Barack Hussein Obama, an African American with an IQ at least two standard deviations above the mean and highly educated in Constitutional Law and committed to helping the lower classes? This at first seems a very glaring anomolie. However, one must take two facts into consideration. First, George Bush was so horrible that even an average American wanted him and his political party gone and rid of, even more than British Royality wanted to be rid of religious fanatics. Second, he states himself that he found that white people are not as much afraid of black people if only the black people smile alot. He found that out when he was sixteen years old. That is why he still smiles too much.

These few words may not be enough to completely explain America to you, but they are at least a good starting point for further research.