THE ABSURD TIMES
Illustration: From minuteman. I understand the the food required to fill one tank of gas as ethanol is enough to feed a human being for one year. Maybe it's a family. I dunno. However, it is now clear that ethanol is our new weapon on the war on terrorism. We simply starve all the terrorists or people we don't like.
Barak Obama just dealt Hillary Clinton's campaign a devastating blow with its overwhelming 53% to 47% victory in Guam. Clinton's campain had no immediate reaction to the humiliating defeat. Rumor has it that Chealsy Clinton is considering changing her name. Omaba called Hillary's "gas tax holiday" phony and just another typical political Washington business as usual tactic. With his customary humility, Obama did not comment on the defeat that may well "obliterate" Hillary's Presidential chances, thus preventing her from "obliterating" Iran.
The results from the first primary since Pennsylvania, Guam, are in. Of course, you have to realize that each delegated that is elected, eight of them, only gets one half of one vote. Why you ask? Because it is south of the equator, of course. There water goes down the sink in the opposite direction and we don't want to start a trend now, do we? In addition, since these people dress funny, they can't vote in the November election. In fact, they are so far west, way past Hawaii, that they are actually east and we all know about the East.
Before we get to that, however, we should add that Nelson Mandella is on our no-fly list. Lest you wonder how something this absurd could happen, remember that 1) he is a person of color, and 2), he lives south of the equator. Hey, it's as good an explanation as you've gotten elsewhere, isn't it? Here at the Absurd Times, it is our solem duty to find reasons from everything.
Now the economy is the most important issue, as if a 3 trillion dollar war has nothing to do with domestic conditions. Well, McCain came up with the idea of a gas tax holiday. More about that later. Right now, I'm remembering about what was said about "new Europe" and "Old Europe," at the start of the was. By "New Europe," that sort of said "yeah, go ahead," to us on the Iraw occupation was meant the countries technically called "less developed", former Soviet Union members in Eastern Europe.
Things get puzzling. What ever happened to Bird Flu? Now that was a nice time in the past, sitting outside, watching, waiting for birds to sneeze, a neighborhood watch, possible crazed Ostriches running down victims. Those were the days.
Now things are complicated. For example, I heard Home Depot announce 40,000 layoffs last week. This week, our government announced that 20,000 jobs have been lost. Am I missing something? No, of course not, someone is lying.
McCain, then Hillary, said they'd suspend the federal gasoline tax of 18 cents/gallon. That would make a four dollar gallon three dollars and eighty one cents. IF, the oil companies don't turn right around and raise the price by 19 cents. Who trusts the oil companies? It would also cause a loss of about 600,000 more jobs as it pays for repairing our infro-structure. They still haven't settled the millions of dollars in liability caused by lack of maintainance of the bridge in Minnesota.
One of our faithful readers sent me his thoughts on McCain:
Re: [The Absurd Times] Wright and Obama -- With friends like this...
Will it solve the problem? No! but..." I think it would be a nice little
vacation for the American people." Mr Rogers/Clint Eastwood morph.
Solutions: Nationalize the multinational oil companies and behead the
smug SOB CEOs as would be done in China.
Make everyone drive only on battery operated golf carts at 15 MPH. Or
more realistically, make everyone drive only light weight, high milage
cars -so no one need worry about being squashed by an SUV or a semi.
Everybody get a horse. And wagon. 40 acres and a mule.
All I can say is it works for me. I think I'd rather have a donkey, however.
So now we do have a primary going on: for the democrats it is either Obama or Clinton, for the Republicans either John McCain or Ron Paul. All the others have dropped out or, more precisely, "suspended" their campains. Ron Paul has published a book subtitled A Manefesto. It is number 1 on Amazon. Still, John McCain is ahead on delegates. The ability to read is not a pre-requisite for voting in a Republican primary.
We also have a "HIT COUNTER" visible. It had been invisible until someone told me how to make it visible. Now, if you visit the site, you can see how many "hits" we have had. (Just click here.) You can see we have been "hit" over 30,000 times. However, in the process, another "Hit Counter" also appeared giving a perfectly absurd number of "hits" bearing no relation to reality. I've decided it leav it there just for the hell of it. (It's the smaller one on top).
Why have they never taken the long-time suggestion that all ballots have the "None of the Above" option on them? I believe that alot of American citizens do not vote because they do not like the choices. Apathy isn't even worth the energy to express.
Here is an Academic story:
It seems a down home self-made millionaire in Texas had the conversation with the President of a small University. Actually, it doesn't have to be Texas:
M. Howdy there!
President: Why hello, Mr. Clanton, good to see you. What can I do for you.
Clanton: Now I known yew for a long time and gave lots of money to this place and never asked for nuttin, right?
P: That's right, let me know what I can do.
C: Well, Ah wants to be one a them there teachin assistants.
P: I'm very sorry, but for that you need to be a college graduate and be working on an advanced degree, even writing a dissertation.
C: Wow, sure enough I aint got that. How about on of them thar Assistant Professors?
P: Well, for that you have to already have a Ph.D., be publishing, and establishing yourself.
C: Well, sure nuff?
P: I'm afraid so.
C.: Well, how bout one of them Full Professors? They don't do much.
P: I havve to agree with you there, but you need everything for all the previous positions and tenure -- it usually doesn't happen for at least ten years after you get a Ph.D.
C: (Saddened, and shaking his head) Well Ahll be a sun of a bitch!
P: Now your talking. If you wanted to be a Dean, why didn't you say so? You got it.