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THE ABSURD TIMES
ILLUSTRATION: The Senator from Kentucky.
He was a pitcher which means he had to be stubborn (unless he actually believed the catcher, and he didn't) and creative, at least as far as baseball players go. Any professional pitcher is capable of shutting out all considerations, thoughts, and images to focus on a rectangle about 12 inches to 18 inches wide and about 24 inches high (depends on the umpire) exactly 60 feet and 6 inches away. A good pitcher will perhaps hear crowd noise, insults, bench jockeys, etc. on the way to the mound but, once he looks first at how the batter stands and then at the catcher's signals, he focuses entirely on that rectangle, or a 2 inch by 2 inch section of it.
This is why Jim Bunning was able to ignore to plight of hundreds of thousands of the unemployed, the imprecations of his own party, even animal turds thrown at him, and continue to hold up the bill for so many days with no concern for anything else.
*****
NATIONAL PROCRASTINATION WEEK started on Monday, so we thought we'd finally get around to mention it. We might celebrate it next week. consider joining us.
****
We at the Absurd Times have learned of a Fatwah issued by a cleric in London that has been quoted over and over again by people is the Government in Israel. Essentially, it says that anyone who is a suicide bomber is going to Hell.
Well, we have asked around to find out what credentials someone needs to issue a Fatwah. We haven't gotten a straight answer from anyone.
We, therefore, hereby issue our own Fatwah, the Fatwah to end all Fatwahs (and this includes Papal Bulls and Pentacostal, Babtist, Jewish, Torah, Eastern, and Whatevers).
We do not issue this without full and proper research, all the way back to Homer. We chose as our authority a figure well-known to religious scholars, the 18th Century Demoniac, Lawrence Sterne.
In fact, we plagarized most of it and made only a few emendations.
This will be pronounced of he who makes any further religious pronouncement:
He was a pitcher which means he had to be stubborn (unless he actually believed the catcher, and he didn't) and creative, at least as far as baseball players go. Any professional pitcher is capable of shutting out all considerations, thoughts, and images to focus on a rectangle about 12 inches to 18 inches wide and about 24 inches high (depends on the umpire) exactly 60 feet and 6 inches away. A good pitcher will perhaps hear crowd noise, insults, bench jockeys, etc. on the way to the mound but, once he looks first at how the batter stands and then at the catcher's signals, he focuses entirely on that rectangle, or a 2 inch by 2 inch section of it.
This is why Jim Bunning was able to ignore to plight of hundreds of thousands of the unemployed, the imprecations of his own party, even animal turds thrown at him, and continue to hold up the bill for so many days with no concern for anything else.
*****
NATIONAL PROCRASTINATION WEEK started on Monday, so we thought we'd finally get around to mention it. We might celebrate it next week. consider joining us.
****
THE MOTHER OF ALL FATWAHS
We at the Absurd Times have learned of a Fatwah issued by a cleric in London that has been quoted over and over again by people is the Government in Israel. Essentially, it says that anyone who is a suicide bomber is going to Hell.
Well, we have asked around to find out what credentials someone needs to issue a Fatwah. We haven't gotten a straight answer from anyone.
We, therefore, hereby issue our own Fatwah, the Fatwah to end all Fatwahs (and this includes Papal Bulls and Pentacostal, Babtist, Jewish, Torah, Eastern, and Whatevers).
We do not issue this without full and proper research, all the way back to Homer. We chose as our authority a figure well-known to religious scholars, the 18th Century Demoniac, Lawrence Sterne.
In fact, we plagarized most of it and made only a few emendations.
This will be pronounced of he who makes any further religious pronouncement:
'By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and
of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour, and
of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones, dominions,
powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy patriarchs,
prophets, and of all the apostles and evangelists, and of the holy
innocents, who in the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy to sing
the new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of the holy
virgins, and of all the saints together, with the holy and elect
of God,--May he' (Xxxxx) 'be damn'd' (for tying these knots)--'We
excommunicate, and anathematize him, and from the thresholds of the
holy church of God Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented,
disposed, and delivered over with Dathan and Abiram, and with those who
say unto the Lord God, Depart from us, we desire none of thy ways. And
as fire is quenched with water, so let the light of him be put out for
evermore, unless it shall repent him' (Xxxxx, of the knots which he
has tied) 'and make satisfaction' (for them) 'Amen.
'May the Father who created man, curse him.--May the Son who suffered
for us curse him.--May the Holy Ghost, who was given to us in baptism,
curse him' (Xxxxx)--'May the holy cross which Christ, for our
salvation triumphing over his enemies, ascended, curse him.
'May the holy and eternal Virgin Mary, mother of God, curse him.--May
St. Michael, the advocate of holy souls, curse him.--May all the angels
and archangels, principalities and powers, and all the heavenly armies,
curse him.'
'May St. John, the Praecursor, and St. John the Baptist, and St. Peter
and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all other Christ's apostles, together
curse him. And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelists, who
by their preaching converted the universal world, and may the holy and
wonderful company of martyrs and confessors who by their holy works are
found pleasing to God Almighty, curse him' (Xxxxx.)
'May the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honour of Christ
have despised the things of the world, damn him--May all the saints,
who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be
beloved of God, damn him--May the heavens and earth, and all the holy
things remaining therein, damn him,' (Xxxxx) 'or her,' (or whoever
else had a hand in tying these knots.)
'May he (Xxxxx) be damn'd wherever he be--whether in the house or the
stables, the garden or the field, or the highway, or in the path, or
in the wood, or in the water, or in the church.--May he be cursed in
living, in dying.' (Here my uncle Toby, taking the advantage of a minim
in the second bar of his tune, kept whistling one continued note to the
end of the sentence.-- 'May he be cursed in eating and
drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in fasting, in sleeping, in
slumbering, in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying, in working,
in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in blood-letting!
'May he' (Xxxxx) 'be cursed in all the faculties of his body!
'May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly!--May he be cursed in the hair
of his head!--May he be cursed in his brains, and in his vertex,' 'in his temples, in his forehead, in
his ears, in his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his jaw-bones, in his
nostrils, in his fore-teeth and grinders, in his lips, in his throat, in
his shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his hands, in his fingers!
'May he be damn'd in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and
purtenance, down to the very stomach!
'May he be cursed in his reins, and in his groin,' (God in heaven
forbid! 'in his thighs, in his genitals,' 'and in his hips, and in his knees, his legs, and
feet, and toe-nails!
'May he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of the members,
from the top of his head to the sole of his foot! May there be no
soundness in him!
'May the son of the living God, with all the glory of his
Majesty'
--By the golden beard of Jupiter--and of Juno (if her majesty wore one)
and by the beards of the rest of your heathen worships, which by the bye
was no small number, since what with the beards of your celestial gods,
and gods aerial and aquatick--to say nothing of the beards of town-gods
and country-gods, or of the celestial goddesses your wives, or of the
infernal goddesses your whores and concubines (that is in case they wore
them)--all which beards, as Varro tells me, upon his word and honour,
when mustered up together, made no less than thirty thousand effective
beards upon the Pagan establishment;--every beard of which claimed the
rights and privileges of being stroken and sworn by--by all these beards
together then--I vow and protest, that of the two bad cassocks I am
worth in the world, I would have given the better of them, as freely as
ever Cid Hamet offered
--'curse him!',--'and may heaven, with all the
powers which move therein, rise up against him, curse and damn him'
(Xxxxx) 'unless he repent and make satisfaction! Amen. So be it,--so
be it. Amen.'
of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour, and
of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones, dominions,
powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy patriarchs,
prophets, and of all the apostles and evangelists, and of the holy
innocents, who in the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy to sing
the new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of the holy
virgins, and of all the saints together, with the holy and elect
of God,--May he' (Xxxxx) 'be damn'd' (for tying these knots)--'We
excommunicate, and anathematize him, and from the thresholds of the
holy church of God Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented,
disposed, and delivered over with Dathan and Abiram, and with those who
say unto the Lord God, Depart from us, we desire none of thy ways. And
as fire is quenched with water, so let the light of him be put out for
evermore, unless it shall repent him' (Xxxxx, of the knots which he
has tied) 'and make satisfaction' (for them) 'Amen.
'May the Father who created man, curse him.--May the Son who suffered
for us curse him.--May the Holy Ghost, who was given to us in baptism,
curse him' (Xxxxx)--'May the holy cross which Christ, for our
salvation triumphing over his enemies, ascended, curse him.
'May the holy and eternal Virgin Mary, mother of God, curse him.--May
St. Michael, the advocate of holy souls, curse him.--May all the angels
and archangels, principalities and powers, and all the heavenly armies,
curse him.'
'May St. John, the Praecursor, and St. John the Baptist, and St. Peter
and St. Paul, and St. Andrew, and all other Christ's apostles, together
curse him. And may the rest of his disciples and four evangelists, who
by their preaching converted the universal world, and may the holy and
wonderful company of martyrs and confessors who by their holy works are
found pleasing to God Almighty, curse him' (Xxxxx.)
'May the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honour of Christ
have despised the things of the world, damn him--May all the saints,
who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be
beloved of God, damn him--May the heavens and earth, and all the holy
things remaining therein, damn him,' (Xxxxx) 'or her,' (or whoever
else had a hand in tying these knots.)
'May he (Xxxxx) be damn'd wherever he be--whether in the house or the
stables, the garden or the field, or the highway, or in the path, or
in the wood, or in the water, or in the church.--May he be cursed in
living, in dying.' (Here my uncle Toby, taking the advantage of a minim
in the second bar of his tune, kept whistling one continued note to the
end of the sentence.-- 'May he be cursed in eating and
drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in fasting, in sleeping, in
slumbering, in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying, in working,
in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in blood-letting!
'May he' (Xxxxx) 'be cursed in all the faculties of his body!
'May he be cursed inwardly and outwardly!--May he be cursed in the hair
of his head!--May he be cursed in his brains, and in his vertex,' 'in his temples, in his forehead, in
his ears, in his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his jaw-bones, in his
nostrils, in his fore-teeth and grinders, in his lips, in his throat, in
his shoulders, in his wrists, in his arms, in his hands, in his fingers!
'May he be damn'd in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and
purtenance, down to the very stomach!
'May he be cursed in his reins, and in his groin,' (God in heaven
forbid! 'in his thighs, in his genitals,' 'and in his hips, and in his knees, his legs, and
feet, and toe-nails!
'May he be cursed in all the joints and articulations of the members,
from the top of his head to the sole of his foot! May there be no
soundness in him!
'May the son of the living God, with all the glory of his
Majesty'
--By the golden beard of Jupiter--and of Juno (if her majesty wore one)
and by the beards of the rest of your heathen worships, which by the bye
was no small number, since what with the beards of your celestial gods,
and gods aerial and aquatick--to say nothing of the beards of town-gods
and country-gods, or of the celestial goddesses your wives, or of the
infernal goddesses your whores and concubines (that is in case they wore
them)--all which beards, as Varro tells me, upon his word and honour,
when mustered up together, made no less than thirty thousand effective
beards upon the Pagan establishment;--every beard of which claimed the
rights and privileges of being stroken and sworn by--by all these beards
together then--I vow and protest, that of the two bad cassocks I am
worth in the world, I would have given the better of them, as freely as
ever Cid Hamet offered
--'curse him!',--'and may heaven, with all the
powers which move therein, rise up against him, curse and damn him'
(Xxxxx) 'unless he repent and make satisfaction! Amen. So be it,--so
be it. Amen.'
