THE ABSURD TIMES
Note: This is a follow-up to the last publication. CPAC, a group of "conservative" lunatics is currently meeting in Washington, D.C. and they insist that the following was indeed Jindal's original speech, despite my statement that it was over 400 years old. They said "It sounds like that to you, but your statement sounds like Socialism to us." So, I've continued to transcribe the letter, but reprinted the first part.
Here is an exclusive copy of the first draft of Bobby Jindal's speech delivered as the Republican response to Omama's speech. The Times can not reveal the source of this document:
This draft has been heavily guarded as it is, after all, written by a Republican.
Many right-wingers were disappointed by the speech as delivered and only one, Rush Limbaugh, had the courage to defend it. He must have seen the first draft (above) as it is far better written than the one actually delivered.
Since we at the Times have had training in reading such handwriting, we will take a closer look at it and put it into print:
"Pleaseth it your honourable Lordship toching Marlowes monstrous opinions as I cannot but with an agreved conscience think on him or them so cam I but particularize fewe in the respect of them that kept him greater company."
So far, as you can seen, he got Obama's name wrong, but it is clear that he dislikes his policy.
It continues: "Howbeit in discharg of dutie both towardw God, your Lordships & the world thus much haue I thought good breiflie to discover in all humbleness...."
Wait a minute, this does not seem like Jindal wrote it. I've seen it before. Oh yeah, it was written by Thomas Kyd, author of The Spanish Tragedy. Never mind.
They are working on a new flu vaccine that will stop ALL strains of the flu, but that does not mean you can stop watching out for sneezing birds.
Ffirst, it was his custom when I knewe him first & as I heare saie he contynyewed it, in table talk or otherwise to iest at the devine scriptures gybe and praiers, & stryve in argument to frustrate & confute what hath byn spoke or qrytt be prophets & such holie men.
1 He wold report St. John to be our saviour Christes Alexis I cover it with reverence and trembling that is that Christ did loue him with an extraordinary loue. [He was gay]
2 That for me to wryte a poem of St paules conversion as I was determined he said wold be as if I shold go wryte a book of fast & loose, exteming Paul a Jugler.
3 That the prodigall Childs portion was but fower nobles he held his purse so nere the bottom in all pictures, and that it either was a iest of els fowr nobles then was thought a great patrimony not thinking it a parable.
I am not going to transcribe the fourth one -- well, ok:
4 That things esteemed to be donn be devine power might haue aswell been don by observation of men all which he wold so sodenlie take slight occasion to slyp out as I & many others in regard of his other rashness in attempting soden pryvie iniures to men did ouerslypp through often reprehend him for it & for which god is my witnes aswell by my lords comaundment as in hatred of this Life & thoughts I left & did refraine his companie.
He wold perswade with men of qualitie to goe vnto the k of scotts whether I heare Royden is gon and where if he had liud he told me when I sawe him last he meant to be.
Now, as I understand it, number one is an attack on Obama's tolerance for gays, 2 has to do with his statements on religious freedom. Obama, after all, did include Muslims as deserving respect and, a greater sin, says Jindal, was that he included unbelievers as deserving freedom as well.
Anyway, in attendance at the CPAC is Joe the Plumber, Ron Paul, and Rush Limbaugh is to be given a special award. Sarah Palin did not attend, perhaps finding it too right wing? John McCain was not there, but Newt Gingrich, I belief [believe] it was, called McCain a "socialist". Great fun is being had by all.