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THE ABSURD TIMES
Illustration: Latuff on Palestine. (Unrelated to anything below).
HELLO AGAIN
BY
THE EDITORS
First a note. We struggled with a title for some time and considered the following, each separated by a semi-colon: SATIRE; YOU CAN'T CURE STUPID; IDIOTS TODAY; ABORTION AND GOD (A DIALOGUE); WHY DO WE BOTHER?
Finally, we decided was giving credit to the writer featured here. His publication has been in effect for three years, and in that time his following of readers, let alone the number of actual readers, has grown to over 20,000. This is astounding growth, especially since he accomplished this feat without pornography or nudity. He has used only satire and perception, along with a coherent writing style.
It has been awhile since we have said anything recently. (Redundant?) In fact, we were surprised that we continued after a brief while after announcing that since Mr. Trump became the holder of his office, the absurdity of things would become apparent and there would be no need for us to point it out. Well, time has proven us wrong in that and so we resumed.
We have followed with interest the work of Paul Duncan whose column is reprinted below. It is a brilliant piece of satire that, unfortunately, has received very mixed reaction. Some of the reaction reminds us of what happened with Fox News several years ago. A satirical piece of some sort was published in The Onion, a well known such publication. The issue has long been forgotten, but what is relevant is that FOX republished something that was written in jest but took it as "fact". Someone there realized the mistake and simply told the reporters not to refer to it anymore, but it proved the point: Satire is a great weapon, but often misunderstood.
To put it another way, to use a modern term: you can't cure stupid.
Well, stupid is what happened to this issue of abortion as commented on below. Reaction was very mixed and far too many readers did not understand satire.
This problem goes back a long way. We will stick with fairly modern history and forget about the Ancient Greek comedy. We can skip ahead to the 18th century and the British AGE OF SATIRE.
Jonathan Swift, known today for Gulliver's Travels, once wrote an essay called "A Modest Proposal". He was protesting the treatment of Ireland by the English. Ireland was starving as a result of the English absentee landlords, imperial policies, starvation, and famine. Swift had proposed several serious proposals to rectify the situation, but greed defeated them all. He finally wrote the essay in order to bring some attention to the situation.
His proposal said, essentially, that the Irish could sell their babies as food for the rich and then went on to explain how the roasting and cooking could be done. In the same essay, he said words to the effect that all the other measures he had suggested were not as important as this vital resource the Irish had available. Well, the reaction was violent and ill-informed. He did, at least, call attention to the problems that British occupation of Ireland caused. Two centuries later, something was finally done.
Well, today we have the problem of individual rights: specifically, the right of a woman to have control over her own body. This is not a religious issue, nor is it a scientific one. The issue of when life begins is a false one as even sperm is alive for a short time, and every piece of sperm is a potential human life. It is possible to therefore consider the practice of masturbation as killing life, and even impregnating a female results in the death of many bits of sperm, only one of which finally fertilizes a woman's egg and then may or may not result in a fetus,
One sign or slogan of the woman's march became our favorite: DEREGULATE MY UTERUS. Capitalism is intent on deregulating anything that will affect profits, to hell with the populace.
This is the first time we have even touched on the issue of abortion here and we hope it is the last. If there is anything a human being has a right to deal with, it is one's own life. All else is folly.
However, YOU CAN'T CURE STUPID.
Air Canada Announces New Direct Route From Alabama To Toronto-Area Women's Clinics
BY ON MAY 19, 2019 • ( 11 COMMENTS )
The new route has already been dubbed the Right to Flight.
In a move as unexpected as it is disturbingly necessary, Canada's flagship carrier today announced that it would begin operating humanitarian flights between man-state Alabama, and Toronto's Pearson International Airport.
The flights will be free for any woman who presents herself at an Air Canada ticketing counter, says she is going to Canada to visit her "sister," and then raises her eyebrows, lowers her chin, and looks meaningfully at the agent.
"As part of our ongoing initiative to use the modern miracle of flight to avoid returning to the middle ages, Air Canada is proud to announce a new, twice-daily, direct flight from Birmingham, Alabama, to Toronto, Ontario," a spokesperson for the Canadian airline announced today.
She went on to add that a complimentary shuttle to women's health clinics would also be provided – one that would be piloted by a rotating team of local women's rights leaders, and would play a soothing selection of music for oppressed females, such as Lesley Gore's 'You Don't Own Me,' and Rage Against The Machine's 'Bombtrack.'
"Which goes, and I quote: 'Cause I'm inclined to stoop down, hand out some beat-downs; could run a train on punk fools, that think they run the game. But I learned to burn that bridge, and delete, those who compete at a level that's obsolete.'"
The announcement was greeted with outrage amongst hardline anti-abortion campaigners, and other people with extremely selective forms of compassion that focus exclusively on the rights of people seeds, but not those of the actual living trees.
"If the Canadians – with their generally inclusive nation, and leader who uses intelligible words to express complete thoughts – think they can just fly in here on their airplanes and offer our women easy access to not living lives of quiet desperation, well they have got another thing coming. And that thing is Alabama," said a man born in Montgomery in 1956, but whose thinking remains steeped in Canaan, circa 1600 BCE.
"Figuratively speaking, obviously. As I have no idea where Canada actually is."
Air Canada officials say they don't mean to offend anyone with their new flight option, "But we aren't opposed to it either."
While many other states in the U.S. still offer sane, reasonable options for women looking to have some control over their own bodies and lives, the Canadian airline said they wanted to make sure that alternatives remained available no matter which way the political winds should turn in the coming years.
"In addition to this new service to Alabama we're looking into routes to and from Missouri and Georgia; and are prepared to go into any other state that chooses to file their political flight path under 'Backasswards.' While Roe v. Wade may well be under threat for our friends in America, we can assure you that modern air travel v. angry men with pitchforks an torches on horses, is a battle we will win every time."
