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THE ABSURD TIMES
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US Discovers Most Of Its Emergency Shelters Occupied By Detained Children
"All we can do now is pray that the good Lord spares us in ways we have not spared those who have travelled thousands of miles, under duress, to arrive at our border," said a FEMA official on the ground in South Carolina, where Hurricane Florence is expected to wreck nearly as much damage as a 'just following orders' ICE agent encountering a family from elsewhere.
The agent, a Mr. Randy Hartlass, was responding to questions arising from the news that his agency (formed to Manage Emergencies) had transferred $10 million dollars to ICE (tasked with Immigration and Customs Enforcement) to assist with the heavy costs associated with preventing people from living together as families.
"Sure, in hindsight this seems like a bad idea," the Hartlass admitted. "But who knew there'd be hurricanes in hurricane season?"
And then came worse news, from the top of the Federal Emergency Misappropriations Agency.
"So, and you're never going to believe this, ha … what a funny turn of events," announced the head of FEMA, Brock Long, addressing reporters in Washington. "But it … ah … would appear all of our emergency shelters are ah, well … at capacity."
Mr. Long went on to explain that through an administrative error – whereby the government of the United States mistakenly assessed the risk from migrant families as being greater than that of a major hurricane – an unexpected outcome had occurred.
"We've, ah … well … run out of space. In the shelters. Our shelters are full. No vacancies. Funny thing."
When asked if that meant that his agency, and the Trump administration, are pegging all of their hopes on the storm turning and going out to sea, much like a migrant hopes an ICE agent – and, by extension, a nation of people who won the birth lottery – will show some compassion, Mr. Long said that that was absurd.
"ICE agents are specifically trained to not have feelings."
"Look, we are prepared for many, many emergencies," the Trump-appointee continued. "The crisis of families attempting to enter our nation together? Ready. People who have worked here for years, raised children, contributed meaningfully, now require rounding up because a new government with a penchant for brutally simplistic solutions is in power? So ready."
Mr. Long even went so far as to say that he was prepared for questions surrounding his team's record in Puerto Rico, in the wake of Hurricane Maria.
"Ready there too. Ready to tell you that, in fact, Maria was a great success of an emergency mission. We took a terrible event and made it worse. And that is textbook emerging emergency management right there folks."
The director then broke off, saying he'd just received word that there were a few extra beds in northern Georgia that were currently available, and excusing himself to chase down that rare ray of light in the face of such a looming crisis. Adding as he left:
"I know just the agency to contact."
