The Wisdom of Steven Wright

If you're not  familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist  who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen  and replaced by exact duplicates."  His mind sees things differently  than most of us do. . .

Here are some of his gems:

 1 - I'd  kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

 2 - Borrow money from pessimists --  they don't expect it back.

 3 - Half the people you know are below average.

 4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

 5 -  82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

 6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

 8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

 9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

 10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... but she left me before we met.

 12 - OK,  so what's the speed of dark?

 13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

 14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

 16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 18 - Hard work pays off in the  future; laziness pays off now.

 19 - I intend to live forever.... so  far, so good.

 20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

 21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

 22 - What happens if you get scared half to death  twice?

 23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

 24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

 25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

 27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

 28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

 29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

 30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

 31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll  have to catch up.

 32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

 33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
 
 34 - If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.

And the all time favorite   -

 35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?