Posts
THE ABSURD TIMES
illustration: This was not available last time. He actually hawked these on television at about 100 bucks apiece. They would light up as well. Amazing! Folks — this was your President and he wants to repeat it, a kinder, gentler, Trump?
The Trumpiad
{A quick note: for some reason, this was by far the most popular and read post of the horrible last years we lived through. I am reposting it here by request. I am not sure why it was that popular (4 or 5 times any other), but it was the most fun to write. I referred to Pope's Dunciad only because it fit as a title, but its tone is more like the Rape of the Lock, but with the same writer. Anyway, here it is.]
So reader! if your mind is sufficiently stoic
To finish reading this peon with attitude heroic,
It will end with couplets that are called heroic,
After of 'hero' whose value is quite below it.
Homer had heroes aplenty for what he called the Illiad,
And Virgil a few enough to get the term the Anead.
But nothing here qualifies but that which once England had,
So along came A Pope to write the Dunciad.
So this needs a name but so far none I've had,
Or even tried tells us the best title is the Trumpiad.
Invoke not the muse and get her incredibly bitter,
There's inspiration enough just lower yourself to Twitter.
Every time I sit and muse on it,
In other words, while taking a crap,
I can hear these monstrous quatrains emit
Words of nonsense 'bout Donald and his pap.
So if you bear with me even when I'm frenetic,
And spout doggerel endlessly,
It's cathartic for me,
In other words a healthy emetic.
So here follow couplets too many,
And quatrains as well,
Nothing really worth a penny,
At least I'll avoid the bastard in hell.
The latest on the Fauci (whose truth is dreaded)
Is that he quickly be beheaded --
His head on a pike as Bannon
hath saided,"Learn from the prince you aided and abetted."
Of course, they will properly call it for Biden,
For a while, Trump even went into hiding.
Just try to find a rhyme for orange, so he is yellow,
No rhyme exists, no matter even if you drink yourself mellow.
Yes, the bombing of the West Bank continues,
As Nonsense and Trump utilize the news.
Of course, they properly did call it for Biden,
For a while, Trump even went into hiding.
'Cause Kushner warned him "Don't do that schtick,
"Cause the Hatch Act will require you to pay the legal bills."
Donald protested "But Oren was a good guy and loyal
Why should he act against my pronouncements Royal?"
The Kush did as usual and put on a face so bland,
Not even the orange face lent him a hand.
I avoided a roadblock here:
Just try to find a rhyme for orange, so he is yellow,
No rhyme exists, no matter even if you drink yourself mellow.
So the Kush escaped and looked for daughter dear.
Orangeman shook his head and mused 'cause he wanted her,
Wanted her so bad his hormones made him want to do,
Well, you know what and he still longed fer,
A chance, but then she became a Jew, he knew.
Ah, what a loss to suffer at this too-hectic time,
And he could not stop the stiffening of his penis,
And here I need a rhyme and a few feet so "Thyme"
Usually found in the wild mountain, not for a stable genius.
Little he knew as he returned from his golf course,
As nobody dared speak of this ignominious defeat,
As toward the White House, the glittering limousine sped,
The driver sensed if he didn't speed he was dead,
But Orange beamed as he saw a crowd Up just ahead,
And assumed they danced and cheered as they stomped and acted like jolly jesters,
He did not anticipate out his windows certain reported gestures.
Oh brass bands played,
And people jubilated,
He was indeed betrayed,
But not a bit humiliated,
"Call my lawyers" he angrily shouted!
But just then Barr and Giuliani,
Could not be found for several reasons,
He was speaking at the four seasons.
Yes, he was, but not the one awaited,
But at a building site far away so named,
He stood in front of a lot,
Looking at the porn shop with its own
Customers in line, eyes blurring quite a lot,
But not for him or his slurring tones,
And what we heard he spouted as the holey word,
All in all amounted to a political and rambling turd.
Still, he was the master of all things foreign and domestic
He said he'd drain the swamp and he did,
You are forced that he is another Mr. Magestic.
We just didn't realize how the swamp be weeded,
He picked the foulest creatures the swamp infesting,
And conscripted them to join his list of creatures we found detesting.
And as they saw what he was doing they would vomit,
And leave their post and left curses upon it.
(And yet again my chronology is off) He shouted,
At his driver so softly grinning,
"Get us the fuck outta here and fast,"
"Yass suh," he replied with dreams of soon with whiskey,
"Faster so I get away from that heathen Antifa,"
"Yass suh" was the answer with the engine running more briskly,
"I mean fast and I mean fast don't make me angry you dolt"
"yas yas sir" was the answer, for this called for both whiskey and coke.
But still, the Orange has such cause for jubilation
When you tally the votes cast by folks of the nation,
True he is four million short there's no need for this grill-ion,
For both got over seventy million,
And so many votes I believe doth positively demean
Half of a hundred forty million with minds so scum filled,
That they would choose this orange Ape for President,
And keep him as the White House resident.
Think of all the indictments his Presidency has provided,
More than the gin-soaking Richard Nixon,
And all that from the White House house officially resided,
Put together and added if you really want your fingers fixin,
To punch all those keys on an adding machine
For to force one to try it would be simply mean,
A task so onerous even for a masochistic humper
That only could be designed by some onerous Trumper.
But must I go on with this most important epic,
For such it is, and epic, so defined by brilliant twaddle,
Anyone with a pen can argue with that if he is half into a bottle,
That he is his own Aristotle,
And I say it is and assertion is 9 points of the truth,
The other can be found in the Book of Ruth,
You know it was just a short while ago what was ruthless,
"Without pity" is what it means, of course, unless the source was truthless.
Where were we now, I have to pause to think,
I know it had something to do with a limousine driver and drink,
Oh yes, so Orange barged into the house that was White,
And looked for someone to bite,
And ah he found someone he could he could call a pinko,
Some heard it differently and it sounded like "Twinko",
This I think must be rejected,
For knowledge since the 80s Orange has neglected.
Secretary of Defense and a few from the Justice Department,
For it is another instance of cruddy comportment
Yet something such as this is important,
No longer are aligned with the Trump compartment,
This all In the Orangeman's organization,
Will cause so many a precipitous vacation.
Note that the best farewell song on I-Tunes wishing luck Trump,
Carries, oh my, how can I write this here? Is titled Fuck Trump.
In fact, it is the time for the couplet to end this garbage,
For a stanza for every idiocy he commits is too large.
Why it would run longer than the dullest Psychoneurosis,
To devote a stanza to every aspect of his tangled hoses.
Too much time to find an appropriate Rhyme
And even then it would not be worth a dime.
Over a dozen lies a day he spouted,
And Fox is seeking ways not to be outed.
But a separate stanza for every lie?
You couldn't read it, in fact, you'd rather die.
The first lady just went back to her Slovenia,
But found too many signs saying "Keep out Melania!"
His followers found an error in the vote count in Georgia,
Population? Oh damn, that's the country, sorry recount will gorge ya.
So that's enough, perhaps I'll visit you anon,
As soon as the South finishes its love affair with q-anon.
No comments:
Post a Comment