Orangeman Cometh

THE ABSURD TIMES

[ED. Note:  our chief reporter, Czar Donic, has been kidnapped by QANON.   We asked what the penalty would be if we did not return succumb to their demands, and they said "We will turn him over to the Deep State,"  I told them to tell him about the threat.  A day later, they called back and said "Well, he says he wants to go back to the deep state as he has business there.  All we are asking is that he stop attacking Donald Trump.  I told them to get fucked, and there has been no response yet.  In the meantime, we have called upon for our assistant Chef Reporter, Ellis Dea, to do this column.]

SCREW DONALD
BY
ELLIS DEA

 






This illustration could have saved a little old lady.

She knocked on my door one early evening and said "Sir, I haven't been able to eat for two weeks, can you help me?"

I asked her if she had tried Social Services, and she said "Oh, no, I have plenty of money, but the President said you need a pitcher ID in order to purchase food.  I don't drive, so I wondered if you could help."

I reassured her, took her to the grocery store, and asked her to try with an ID.  She came out with her cart full and said "My oh my, the girl didn't even ask my – she smiled and that was that."

So, yes, you do NOT need a picture ID to buy groceries.  The Orangeman lied.

I tried to order an ostrich jacket and vest and all they did was laugh.  I tell you, it is no way to do business.

I mean, I didn't need to write anything.  Here I was, on a nice trip, talking with God about fixing things up, having a great time, when Art calls on my cell phone and starts shouting.  "Gedämpfter Bauern…" and so on.  I asked him, ok what's the problem?  Then he started yelling in German and half English about QANON and a kidnapping, and I ask "What have you got against agriculture?"  He was adamant and I asked perhaps it is all your "Idea?"  Well, that brought another string of invective so I said I'd help out and so here I am.

Orangeman asked who was treated worse – Al Capone or Paul Manafort?  Well, Al Capone.  He was locked up for income tax evasion, but they didn't have any evidence against him about any of the other crimes.  Manafort?  Plenty of evidence.  No wonder we never saw the Orangeman's returns to the IRS.

He said he'd drain the swamp.  Well, I spent a couple weeks in Cajun Country decades ago.  See, I could pick out "Your Cheating Heart" and that stopped a bar fight in a Cajun bar (seems Hank Williams is sort of revered there for another song, Jambalaya) and picked up with this band.  Anyway, you know what happens when you drain a swamp, at least in Cajun Country?  Every creature that lives in the swamp water rises up.  Here, they seem to have joined the administration. They explained what kind of creatures were there, "zegaturz" they said, which I coud understand perfectly as "The Alligators," but, not now being drunk, and not have been drunk for decades, I can not remember or translate any other Cajun, except "Jole Blon," which means "Pretty Blonde," 

All these claims about the Steele Dossier (sp?) are strange.  He was first hired by Marco Rubio, a Republican from Florida (where there is a "red wave", mainly algea poisoning things) and then picked up by Hillary later.  However, it was not the basis of the FISA warrants, just in case anybody gives a shit.

Michael Cohen, remember him?    He is the lawyer and fixer for the Orangeman.  On the advice of an arttorney I know, I looked up where he went to law school.  This is what I found: 

"That same year, the school was ranked the "worst" law school in the country by law website Above the Law,^[29] referring to a list of the "bottom 10 least selective law schools in the U.S. (excluding Puerto Rico)".^[30]"



I did ask God about the Trumpniks, and he said "No Comment".



Just as Rudy is the Orangeman's TV Attorney, Lanny Davis is Cohen's. He was asked recently about a recent development, and he said "No Comment". It seems to be catching.



Well, I've had enough of this.