GENDER AND SPEECH





      I wrote the article below a couple of years ago for publication in a more academic forum than at present.  I am now free to clarify a few points that remained obscure for reasons of political correctness in such a setting.  Right now, damn if I care if anyone is offended!

    The illustration above explains another point.   The male is at a definite disadvantage when married and communication is an issue.  The female is used to talk.  I have heard some continue talking non-stop for 16 hours.  I have seen groups of them sit around in a circle and "motor-mouth" continuously, all at once, for hours.  I have no idea how they follow one another. 

    I remember a male patient who was a widely recognized medical specialist.  He complained that his wife would not accept his opinion, even about medical matters, including very simply medical matters.  He was very confused by this.  I had to explain it to him:  "Ah.  You forget.  To your wife, indeed this is the case with all husbands of varying professions, yo0u are NOT a respected Doctor who has studied eight years and practiced for fifteen.  You are a husband who certainly, at one time or another, was in error on one point or another, especially since you drink, but that is hardly necessary.  You are there to serve and are inferior.  She may not even believe this herself, in fact she will deny it to other wives in her circle, but she will remorselessly maintain this in your presence and in her mind.   And don't bother arguing.  Somehow, it will all come down to some incident during the last 20, 30, or 40 years."

     He was aghast, for about 3 minutes, and then his eyes lit up "I see your point.  It explains everything."

    I added, "There are even brain scans that prove that women remember with the right hemisphere as well as the left and hence attatch more emotional significance to events."

    He wasn't sure about this, but I just happened to have photographs of the scans handy in those days and showed him.

    Anyway, here is the article:
She Said,
He didn’t


          The following information has appeared in several popular formats and I assure you that nothing factual is inconsistent with current psychological thinking of the subject – if anything, the material is way ahead of the curve.  The analysis was begun through or in concert with the Feminist movement, new age thinking, the latest experiments with MRI technology in Cognitive Science, and so on.  As far as the facts are concerned, I accept these findings.
          The reason I started with the above statement or disclaimer is that I do have somewhat of a different view of the facts and prefer to take an objective stance, which could very easily be interpreted as anti-woman.  I want to make it very clear that I am not going to far as to say that the female or male way of talking is “better,” just that they are different, so different that it sometimes becomes different to even assert that they are speaking the same language.  However, these differences can be noted worldwide; they are not English specific.  I am not sure whether these differences are biological or genetic on the one hand or cultural on the other – in fact, they are probably a mixture of the two.  MRI studies indicate that women, for example, have better or and least more bandwidth connection between hemispheres of the brain and that women’s memories are more closely linked to the emotional center while those of men tend to reside in a different hemisphere that in closer to spatial reasoning.  At the same time, women have more often than men been taught to ask to have things done while men have been encouraged to order them done.  Naturally, there is a great deal of overlap; the two are not mutually exclusive.
          To make these differences clearer, however, I have chosen to pose the differences to better illustrate the confusion men exhibit when talking to women, rather than the other way around as seems most common.
          Having said all that, let us get on with it.

Purpose

          In general, men think of language as a means of getting something done while women lean toward regarding it as a part of socialization.  This explains many of the difficulties and frustrations men show when, for example, going shopping with a man or even getting dressed for an occasion.  Let us start a typical conversation with the woman who is considering a dress, a couple of dresses, of identical style but different colors:
          “Which do you think looks best on me, the red or the blue?”
          “The blue”
          “Really?  What’s wrong with the red?”
          “Nothing.”
          “So why say blue?”
          “I dunno, just looked better on you.”
          “Are you sure you don’t like the red?  Why shouldn’t I wear the red?  I think it looks better.”
          “Ok, ok, wear the red.”
          “I thought you like the blue”
          “I did.”
          “So why should I wear the red?”
          “I dunno.”
          “Don’t you care?”
          “Sure I care.  They both look great.”
          “So why not the blue?”
By this time, most men aren’t sure what is going on.  If the conversation continues like this, there will be unhappiness, perhaps a fight or argument.  Frankly, women, he likes you and the color of the dress isn’t important.
          Men, realize that she thinks of this as a way to get you to share in the experience of her getting dressed up or choosing a dress.  She really doesn’t want your opinion, as she will select whatever she prefers, but she does want you involved.  Try “Oh my, I can’t make up my mind.  They both look so good.  One is great with your eyes, the other with your hair.  No, actually both are great with both.  You choose, please?”  Even suggesting this in tricky, so maybe you’ll want to leave it out.  Best simply to comment and encourage, flatter her, and she will pick it out herself anyway, no matter what you think.
          Women, realize that men think of language as a way to convey information, to get information, to get things done, to find things out.  He really doesn’t think much of a casual discussion as a sharing thing; he might hug you instead or shake hands.  Try to imagine this situation.  One guy is trying to fix a bicycle and his friend who is nearby and knows a lot about then is watching or just hanging around.  The man might, I repeat might ask him “which wrench should I use?”
          His friend might say “the 5/8” one over there.”
          “Thanks.”
And that would be the end of the conversation.  He would probably seem very strange to his friend if the conversation went like this”
          “Which should I use, the cresent wrench or this 5/8” one?”
          “Use the 5/8”
          “But I can adjust the cresent to fit.”
          “Well, go ahead then.”
          “I thought you like the 5/8” wrench.”
I’ve given this exact pattern in lectures and presentations and everyone can see the difference immediately.
          If that example does not suffice, think of being on a double date.  One of the women says to the other “I have to go to the powder room, would you like to come with me?”  Almost every time, the other will get up and go with her without even thinking of the alternative.
          Now imagine one of the guys saying to the other “I have to take a piss, wanna come with?”  Ludicrous.
          Now, whatever reason you may want to give for this, I’m sure you have noticed it in action.  It does not mean one way is superior to the other – the two genders just seem to speak differently.  There are advantages to both and, both genders, or all genders, could benefit by learning from and about the other.

Pros and cons

          Perhaps the most beneficial aspect of the female approach is that it allows for a freer exploration of personal problems and feelings.  As a therapist, I have found that women are much more ready to explain their emotional problems, expecially to one who has a compassionate ear.  No progress in deal with such problems can be made in that sort of setting without the cooperation of the client.
          It is also quite true that simply sharing those opinions and attitudes, some of the most difficult problems can be solved.  As someone once said, when someone has a complaint, it is wise to listen – often that is all they really need is to be heard.  Sympathy, even empathy, these are the things women are looking for in a conversation.
          The advantage of the instrumental or male approach is that another male, especially, will understand what the other person wants.

A few suggestions 


          Women:  when you go shopping, say at a grocery store, you will probably go up and down each aisle, viewing all the items and deciding what they mean to you.  If you have a man with you, he will ask things shuch as “What were you looking for?  How much longer?  Do you really need all that?  Why this?” and so on.  Well, frankly, he is tired of the process.  He usually knows exactly what he wants when he goes to a store, goes directly to it, picks it up, and checks out.  That’s it, and it is hard wired into him.  To handle this, appeal to the hunter in him.  Try “I’m trying to find some Garbanzo beans – could you get two cans for me?”  He will be off in a second and not bother you until he finds them and returns with them.  You will say “Great!  Thank you!”  Give him a hug if it helps.  Then look at the beans and say “Oh dear, I need the ones grown in Chilie.”  Eventually, he will be off again.  Then think of something else.  Mango Juice in quart bottles sounds good.
          Men:  A woman will often say “Don’t’ you find it warm in here?”  Now what?  If it was a guy, you’d say “Nope,” or “Yep,” and that would be the end of it.  However, you assume she wants you to do something about it.  The best appeasement is “Not that much, do you feel too warm?  I’d be glad to open a window.”  She will say something like “No, that’s too much trouble for you.”  Well, by now you should be catching on.  Something like “I’d like to turn on the air conditioner, or I’d like a drink of ice-water.  How about you?” is the response.