FOLLOW THE MONEY

Peace Talks Break Down After Both Sides Fail To See How They’ll Make Any Money Off Of It

BY PAUL DUNCAN ON JANUARY 13, 2020 • ( 6 COMMENTS )

High level peace talks between the wealthy representatives of two countries’ military-industrial complexes broke down today, after it became evident that there would be no immediate way to monetize the process for anyone present or their supporters.

Despite polls in both nations – which have been at war for more than 10 consecutive fiscal quarters – indicating there is vast public support on each of the two sides for an end to the protracted dispute, the leaders of the countries (which don’t share a border, land mass, or indeed ocean) said that peace remained impossible.

“This all sounds great,” said one head of state, through a translator who spoke Affluence. “An end to injuries, death, and the trauma of war on both sides. That’ll play well with the home crowds. But what I’m failing to see here is how anyone makes any money? It’s not like we can charge people for sleeping well at night, and not worrying about their children. Can we? Someone check on that, that could be an idea.”

While the peace talks ceased well before noon, both sides agreed to officially conclude them after the pre-arranged twelve-course midday meal, and private performance by Meat Loaf. 

“No sense letting all that caviar go to waste,” one representative was heard saying, as he paddled sturgeon eggs into his face. “And I always love hearing ‘I’d Lie for Me.'”

He did not go on to correct himself (the song he was referring to is entitled “I’d Lie for You (And That’s The Truth)”).

“With sales of armoured vehicles lagging, a dip in demand for fighter jets, and having just opened up a spanking new missile factory in a swing state, I really don’t see how we can afford to agree with the other guys on anything,” said Loch Heed-Marten, lead negotiator for one of the countries, it really doesn’t matter which.

“Indeed,” confirmed the other nation’s head counsel, General Rai Theon. “While no one would like to see the needless bloodshed of our citizens and soldiers stop more than I, what exactly are we supposed to do with all these tanks and warships we’ve further impoverished our nation by building? There’s only so much space in the museums, and they really aren’t very well suited as amusement park rides.” 

But despite this bleak outlook, a hopeful twist arrived at the end of the two-day all-inclusive summit, with both sides agreeing to meet back in a year’s time to see if any further developments had been made on the effort to make peace pull its weight. 

“Everyone always says ‘Give peace a chance,'” said Mr. Heed-Marten, as he slid into a black SUV. “And we will. Just as soon as it gives a decent return on investment for a select few people.”