Last week the federal government released its latest report on the bird flu pandemic. Some time ago I asked all of you to report any instances of sneezing birds to the Center for Disease Control in Atlanta as this is something we just cannot afford to overlook.

Unfortunately, the administration announced that it will not close our borders in order to defend us from this menace. Now look, it is officially mid spring and many foreign birds have already landed on our territory. No doubt, many of them have already shat on our lawns and windshields. Is it too much to ask that we mobilize the F-15 fighters we paid for and have them patrol the borders? We let in all these migrant workers as it is, but we can at least launch a few Tomahawk missiles in the direction of any bird seen sneezing near our borders. This may also call for preemptory strikes against Mexico and Canada. Why, there has already been one case of bird flu documented in England already and over 300 deaths worldwide. Fortunately, most of the dead were terrorist sympathizers, but the death in England cannot be tolerated and is a wake up call. Remember 9/11!

So far, there has been no word as to whether Dick Cheney will patrol to border with his shotgun. I imagine the military has objected to that option because of the possible threat to the pilot who would be seated next to him, but these men have pledged to defend our country no matter how dangerous the mission. To make the situation even more ominous, there has been no statement from the administration that God has given George Bush any direction in this matter.

In view of all this, the bird sneeze alert is now raised to orange.

Good health to you all.