Putin Me On, Holder, Snowden

THE ABSURD TIMES

 

    Lately, in case it hasn't been shoved down your throat already, Holder sent a letter to Putin promising that the U.S. will not Torture or Kill Snowden if it gets its hands on him.  After all, he points out, "torture is illegal" in the United States, so, er, trust us.

    Right.

    From what we gathered, Snowden's Russian lawyer brought him a book to acquaint him with Russian culture:  Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment.  No, we are not making this up.  Er, who is Porfory in this case?  Marmeladov? 

    A later report changed "culture" to "Literature," but War and Peace was never even hinted at.  (Russia is sensitive about this sort of thing.)

    Snowden is also trying to learn Russian.  The alphabet always stopped me from reading it, or even trying to.  Ever since the CCCP was dissolved, there didn't seem to be any point, but at least St. Petersburg has the original name again, so there is one less footnote in Crime and Punishment.

    I dunno.  Snowden is used to the South Pacific.  Winter in Moscow seems daunting.